Father-Loss
Neil Chethik
(Reviewer - Rebecca Brown)
2001 Hyperion
ISBN: 0786884495

How Sons of All Ages Come to Terms with the Deaths of Their Dads.

It was when this author, in his late 20s, witnessed his own father's emotions at the death of his father, that the seeds for this book were planted. It was when, in the extremis of his grief, that this author's father passed on a blessing, that his father had denied him. The one thing a father needs most to say to his son is “I'm proud of you, of the family you've raised and the life you've lived.”

Father-Loss is, primarily, based on a survey conducted by a university research center with in-depth interviews of 70 men who had lost their fathers & a 79 question telephone survey of 306 additional men whose fathers had died. Between 1997 & 2000 Neil Chethik himself conducted all of the interviews, half by telephone & half in person. The sons ranged from 21 to 94. They had lost their fathers between ages 4 & 66. Survey conversations were conducted between 4 months & 53 years after the father's death.

All that data aside, Neil Chethik's Father-Loss is far from a dry statistical research paper, nor is it a soaring “mytho/poetic” effort, & it isn't “warm & fuzzy” either!

As Robert Kastenbaum, Ph.D., Professor Emeritus of Arizona State University, writes in his Foreword: “It has been more than four decades since pioneering thanatologist Herman Feifel called attention to the widespread “death taboo” in our society. Since then, we've seen an explosion of interest and activity in the field of death and dying...there are still places where shadow and silence have continued to reign. Should we be surprised that the most neglected of these outposts is the male pysche?...The stereotype of inadequate male grieving should soon be on the way out, and thanks to Father-Loss.”

From the Introduction: “When a father dies, we often see the sons performing their “manly” duties: arranging the funeral, delivering the eulogy, comforting fellow family members. Then we imagine these sons going back to their homes, back to their jobs, back, unchanged, to the lives they'd lived before. It's rarely so...”

The first part of Father-Loss is about the impact of losing one's father, focusing on the variations of men's reactions to the death of their fathers. Each chapter is based on the stories the son's tell of their lives at the time in which the loss occurred -- in childhood, the young adult years; middle age, or the “young-old years.”

The second part of this book, Rebounding from Father-Loss, focuses on the ways in which sons have adapted to the absence of their fathers. Exploring the other side of grief, the masculine style through thinking, acting, & emotional control. Describes the specific strategies men use as the prepare for, experience, & then adapt to a father's death.

In part three, Lessons of Father-Loss, Neil Chethik shares what he has learned about being a father, based on the researching & writing of this book as well as addressing the questions:
What makes a good father to a son?
How does the role of father change through the life span?
What can a father do to help prepare his son for his death?

At the end of each chapter Neil Chethik also includes stories from famous men about their Father-Loss -- Michael Jordan, Dylan Thomas, John Quincy Adams, & Mahatma Gandhi, to name a few, -- how they coped, thought & felt.

“In 1963, many young widows and widowers were being counseled to rid their homes of mementos related to the lost parent and to refrain from talking about the death. The belief at the time was that ongoing attention to the loss might produce a depressed child.” Quite the reverse!

If the motif for a son losing his father during childhood, is “torn asunder” by abandonment, then experiencing the loss during young adult years is “too soon.” In middle age it is a “body blow,” & in young old years it becomes “Closing the Circle.”

For most of us we have two images of what we “should” do to grieve. In an older image, handed down from our ancestors in which we must appear stoic, we must hold back our tears, suppress any outward expression of our emotions. Remain calm & dignified, able to comfort others, who are less in control of their emotions.

Another image, handed down from the distaff way of life - from the way women all around the world grieve, is to cry & wail. Well, not always nor everywhere. We watch how people in other societies grieve. The film clips of crowds carrying dead sons through the streets of their town with men shouting & women wailing, are quite startling displays of grieving to most Westerners.

Since the Events of 9/11, we have all seen how we handle grief. There were many, many fathers who never came home that day. We have had to learn much about Father-Loss.

Neil Chethik's book is a moving & informative read about a deeply felt event in our lives. The loss of our father, is often the first death that comes to us as we age. If our father dies when we are children, we will be exiled. If it occurs when our family has allowed us into adulthood, then taking care of business will fill our days with duty. If the loss of our father occurs as our own children are approaching adulthood, then there are lessons we all have to learn, about how to die & how to be left behind by our father who has gone on before us.

I recommend this elegant, simple, document of many men's thoughts about their feelings about their fathers, about how they grieved & how they healed. It will enhance your entire family's emotional welfare.

Neil Chethik, a graduate of Northwestern University's Medill School of Journalism, specializes in writing about the psychology of men. He is a professional speaker & workshop leader. He is currently Writer-in-Residence at the University of Kentucky College of Social Work.
(06/16/02)

Rebecca