It Ends With You
Tina B. Tessina Ph.D., LMFT
(Sr. Associate Reviewer - Dr. Alma Bond)
2003 New Page Books/Career Press
ISBN: 1564146499
Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction.
Sr. Associate Reviewer Dr. Alma Bond writes:
Dr. Tina Tessina in It Ends With You examines not just the statistics that show children of divorce can't keep their own marriages together, or that children of alcoholics gravitate to dysfunctional partners, but shows why people have these problems, how they came to be, &, most importantly, what they can do to fix them.
Dr. Tessina begins It Ends With You with the statement, “To grow up & out of a painful, dysfunctional past & all its leftovers--feelings, memories, pain, confusion, anger, fear, and persistent dysfunctional relationship patterns--may seem like a miracle, too wonderful to be possible. But it can be done, if you have the right tools and support. The purpose of this book is to lead you from the problems of the past into a satisfying, joyful, and successful future” (p. 110.) She then proceeds to do just that.
Children learn from observation. What we have experienced is normal to us, & we often do not understand that any other way of living exists. Dr. Tessina gives the very poignant example of this. An abused child was kept imprisoned in a coffin-sized box, & only taken out occasionally for short periods, such as for meals. He was rescued by Child Protective Services & taken into a routine group home. When introduced to the other children, he wanted to know where their boxes were. Only by examining each of our “boxes” will we be free to break out of them.
Each child struggles to find a way to succeed in the family environment. More often than not, the child follows the “rules” set down by family members, even though they are no longer functional. Dr. Tessina gives an amusing example of how such rules dictate behavior, taken from Virginia Satir's book, People Making. It seems that all the cooks in one family prepared ham in the same way; they cut off its ends before baking it. When a husband asked his wife why she prepared the ham in that manner, she answered that was how her mother always did it. The husband than went to his mother-in-law, & asked her why she cut off the ends of the ham before baking it. She responded, “My roasting pan is too small” (p. 21). Silly as it may sound, many family traditions are passed down through the generations in a similar way, & can be changed only through insight as to why the once functional tradition no longer is necessary.
In one section, Dr. Tessina speaks of doing everything you can to protect your child self, that you can now provide the safe environment for it that was lacking in your childhood. To my surprise, I found myself in tears at this point, wondering why no one like Dr. Tessina ever came to my rescue when I was little.
It Ends With You can be helpful to many people whose reactions are programmed by childhood events in ways that are inappropriate for adults. This includes those who are repeatedly involved with hopeless alcoholics & other destructive people, shopaholics, those who behave in obsessive or addictive ways, & others who overreact to people, events, or circumstances, because they are reminded of past scenes or problems.
To get rid of old, destructive behaviors, we must learn the truth. It Ends With You contains an original set of exercises to help us develop self awareness & self acceptance. By helping the reader to examine the child in all of us & connecting it to our present behavior, Dr. Tessina teaches us that we can change the patterns in our subconscious, limbric brain, & no longer have to hold on to destructive behavior. In this way, she accomplishes much of what is done in a good psychoanalysis. Her system can be very useful for people who haven't the time, money, or inclination to be analyzed.
Dr. Tessina takes you by the hand & shows you how the old learned ways of thinking & acting can prevent you from achieving the happiness you want. She helps you break the frustrating bonds of familiar patterns & thinking that may be tying you to an unfulfilling, unhappy existence, & guides you to a satisfying, joyful, and successful future. She teaches you how to get rid of the dysfunction & make sure It Ends With You.
It Ends With You can also help parents to raise loving, emotionally caring children, & teach family members to understand each other better.
It Ends With You is well written, interesting, & easy to read. It is recommended for all people who would like to overcome poor habits & to improve their own lives & those of their children.
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., has 25 years of experience as a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. She is the author of ten books & appears extensively on radio & TV, including Larry King Live, Oprah, To Tell the Truth, & ABC-TV News & is regularly quoted in numerous national publications, including Redbook, Cosmopolitan, & Glamour.
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