If I'd Only Known...
 Dorothy M. Neddermeyer LCSW
 (Reviewed by The Editor - Rebecca Brown)
 2000 Millennial Mind Publishing
  ISBN: 1930586167
Amazon's price is: $19.95
Amazon's book prices can change without notice

Sexual Abuse in or out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention

When I first moved to Washington State & was becoming known in the small seaside town where I had landed, I saw an article in the weekly rag about an upcoming training course for the domestic violence prevention program. I called & an hour later, I was at a café meeting an advocate & deep in an interview. Seems I was a perfect candidate. During the course we discovered I was useless as an advocate for the battered wives--something to do with never having been married & not subscribing to any “accepted” religion. To show you how unsuited I was in this capacity, I couldn't grasp why either of those facts should have disqualified me. However, my forté was soon unearthed when I began going out on emergency calls as back-up. The children in those traumatized families began talking with me. It seemed they enjoyed being near me, & frequently they would murmur that I reminded them of Mary Poppins. With much more training, I went to bat for them in the capacity of a certified Children's Advocate. That was many years ago.

So when Dorothy M. Neddermeyer requested I review her book If I'd Only Known... I instantly rejected it. I'd had my fill, so I thought, of the fear & the violence. Not so, said the Cosmos, & here I am reviewing this modest & informative guide to preventing sexual abuse (or any abuse for that matter), inside or outside the family.

With a thoughtful Foreword by Clair R. Reeves, President/Founder of MASA (Mothers Against Sexual Abuse), Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, has put together a reader-friendly explanation of what abuse is, how it starts, who perpetrates it, what the myths are & why they miss the mark, statistics & discussions of cases which have recently made the headlines.

The Introduction tells how this book came to be written & the story is of a mother who had learnt the tools which Dorothy Neddermeyer teaches & thus headed off at the pass what might have ended up as her daughter's childhood of intermittent sexual abuse by a neighbor's son. All seemingly so innocent.

Sexual abuse of children by adults or other children is an ugly subject most of us would rather know nothing about...except statistics say it is in fact an epidemic. In my experience, it is when those first inappropriate, almost casual, actions go unremarked (“It's just children being children!”) & unstopped(“No harm done, they'll grow out of it, won't they?”) that allows for the next & the next, & each successive abuse will become more explicit & controlling. It always does.

The Contents of If I'd Only Known... are:
• A Mother's Story--Sexual Abuse and Incest are Perpetrated Anywhere, Anytime, and by Someone You Least Expect.
• Sexual Abuse and Incest--An Overview--a short history of the laws of the land & landmark cases, research & discussion.
• Sexual Abuse and Incest Defined--what it is, who does it, why & what the aftereffects can be.
• Why Self Protection?--empowering children to help themselves.
• What To Do--Spanking and Boundaries--in which we learn how to be a Non-Spanking Parent; what Good, Appropriate Touch is; Teach Your Child Self-Protection; Good Body Image; Tell Mommy and Daddy Everything--No Secrets Rule; what happens Without the Tell Mommy and Daddy Everything; what Appropriate Suspicion is & what our responsibilities are.
• Signs of Sexual Abuse of children--thoroughly researched & substantiated signs for each age.
• When You Need to Entrust Your Child to the Care of Others--tips for when visiting pediatricians & child care facilities.
• Interview Questions for Childcare workers--questions you'd never think to ask!
• Survival Skills for Independence--surprisingly simple & yet so overlooked!
• What To Do if Your Child Reports or Alludes to Having Been a Victim of Sexual Abuse--take a deep breath & read & weep!
• Steps to Help Stop Child Sexual Abuse--plain & simple & so obvious...except who knows what to do?

.If I'd Only Known... does!

Help and Prevention Organizations are listed as well as a good Sources section.

All in all, If I'd Only Known... is an excellent handbook which everyone living & working with children needs to read & put into practice because it is a dangerous world out there & our children cannot protect themselves from older figures of “authority.” & because the damage done by ignoring or pretending everything is ok has repercussions that bind child & adult into the dreadful cycle of doing unto others what has been done unto them.
(05/11/03)

Rebecca