A Broken Heart Still Beats
Anne McCracken & Mary Semel
(Guest Reviewer - Anne Mansfield)
2000 Hazelden Information Education
ISBN: 1568385560

After Your Child Dies is a compilation of poetry, fiction, & essays expressing parents' pain, grief, coping & healing.

Judith Guest & Dominick Dunne are among the contributors, many of whom are bereaved parents themselves.

A Broken Heart Still Beats: After Your Child Dies, is a book about the loss of a child. While it is for bereaved parents & siblings, it will touch anyone's heart.

Guest Reviewer Anne Mansfield writes:

Anne McCracken lost her 5-year-old son, & Mary Semel lost her 16-year-old son. I lost my son, John, age 46. When he died I was devastated. I knew at once that my life would be changed forever. We had been very close & my heart was shattered, & I didn't know if I could put it back together.

I felt that no one, except my former analyst could relate to my pain. Then I found A Broken Heart Still Beats: After Your Child Dies, . It was with a great sense of relief that I started to feel validation for my feelings. The authors had not found sustenance from grief gurus or books, as I had not. They felt they could offer something closer to the actual experience of grieving parents & siblings.

They present an authentic view of the bereaved experience. It is an amazingly honest book that contradicts what many grief gurus & grief books dwell on, which is giving inappropriate messages that stress the inspirational & “positive aspects” of death, without any reference to what the bereaved are really feeling.

Anne McCracken & Jake, had just left grandmother's house after a lovely time by the lake. A mile down the road a pickup truck barreled into their car. Jake was killed instantly & his mother suffered serious injuries.

Mary Semel waited at home for Allie to return after his last test before the summer. She was sure he would be feeling very happy. Instead she got a message that her son had been in an accident. When she rushed to his side, she found the car wrapped around a tree. Allie was lying at the side of the road, “deceased”, as the officer said.

There are so many passages in this beautiful book that touched me in special ways, but there was one in particular, that encompasses all that needs to be said about what the bereaved need:
     “In 1913, dancer, Isadora Duncan's two young children drowned when a car they were in rolled down an embankment into the Seine. She found refuge with actress Eleanora Duse in Italy.
     From then on I lived in Viaregio, finding courage from the radiance of Eleanora's eyes. She used to rock me in her arms, but not only consoling, for she seemed to take my sorrow into her own breast, and I realized that if I had not been able to bear the society of other people, it was because they all played the comedy of trying to cheer me with forgetfulness, Whereas Eleanora said;
     "Tell me about Deidra and Patrick"" and made me repeat to her all the little sayings and ways, and show her their photos, which she kissed & cried over. She never said, cease to grieve, but she grieved with me, and for the first time since their death, I felt I was not alone.”

This passage illustrates what Anne McCracken & Mary Semel share with their readers. First, that what the bereaved need is someone to share their grief, not to try & cheer them up. Secondly, that being able to repeat feelings again & again connected to their children, & details about who their children were, & still are in their hearts, very helpful.

This is an important message for those who are bereaved & those who are trying to help them. This was Mary's favorite passage also. Both of these authors did a wonderful job of choosing writers from the past & the present.

For me, I needed to connect with a writer who had a story that reminded me of John. One of John's favorite writers was Charles Dickens. Dickens was sentimental. John was sentimental. In this book there is a passage about Dickens & the death of a beloved sister-in-law. He was very close with her & tried to deal with his grief by writing about Little Nell in The Curiosity Shop. The grandfather in the book has lost a much-beloved grandchild. The town, where the grandfather lives was enthralled with watching the grandfather go to his grandchild's grave every day, expecting to see her. These are the thoughts of the grandfather:
     If there have been any who have never known the blank that follows death -- the weary void -- the sense of desolation that will become upon the strongest minds, when something familiar and beloved is missed at every turn -- the connection between inanimate and senseless things, the recollection, when every household God becomes monument and every room a grave, if there be any who have not known this, and proved by it by their own experience, they can never faintly guess how for many days now, the old man pined and moped away the time, and wandered here and there seeking something and had no comfort.
     Whatever power of thought or memory is all bound up with her.(pg.249)

A Broken Heart Still Beats has excerpts from the authors themselves, interspersed with quotes from famous writers who lost children or wrote about that kind of loss. The authors include writers who “took their breath away” in revealing their most private feelings as they went through the grieving process. There is not one of these writers, from Robert Frost to Stephen King, who looked for positive messages, in fact, they openly rejected them.

In reading the works of these writers, your imagination takes hold. I soon realized that this is a literary work in it's OWN right. I had it on my bedside table to read again & again. Sometimes reading just one passage would allow me to experience my grief in the company of great writers. In Addition, I found that I was moved by the words themselves & the stories that entice your imagination. I wanted to know more about these writers.

The passages by Anne McCracken & Mary Semel are also well written. This is true of the very honest portrayal of their own path of grief, & especially their poignant descriptions of their children, Jake & Allie, who they want to honor in their book.

Anne's son Jake, loved Peter Pan & she has wonderful descriptions of a high spirited child & his love for that story. In trying to find a place for her son, she puts him in Neverland, which seems to help her.

Mary speaks of the pain that siblings experience, she worries that her daughter, who was close to Allie, will never find someone to love   admire her as much as her brother. She also feels sad that Hilary will never have a family companion to joke with about their parents, or to band together when their parents die. Hilary talks about wanting to be buried next to Allie & says she does not want to have a large party if she gets married, because Allie won't be there.

Anne speaks of Hollis, her daughter, who was only 3 years old when Jake was killed. She gives a moving tribute to her daughter for showing great fortitude in dealing with her devastated parents.

After reading A Broken Heart Still Beats: After Your Child Dies, I felt it needed wider distribution, since I had found it just by chance, in the library. I contacted Anne & Mary & we met for an interview with the intention of finding a way to get the book better known.

They were as I imagined them. They had gone through a monumental struggle to get to the place where they deal with life on their own terms. Mary is working as a Clinical Social Worker. Anne, a retired reporter, is writing a book about people who have overcome tremendous odds.

Anne & Mary reached out to me in a very compassionate way, listening to stories about my son's death. When I got on the train to go home, I felt calmer than I had in a long time.

I hope that the bereaved will be helped by A Broken Heart Still Beats, realizing they are not alone. I also hope that professionals, friends & family members of the bereaved will use this remarkable book as a road map in trying to help those in mourning.

Readers who love excellent writing will find A Broken Heart Still Beats challenging & informative & satisfying literature.
(06/27/04)

Guest Reviewer - Anne Mansfield
2004©Anne Mansfield