The Wonder of Girls
 Michael Gurian
 (Reviewed by The Editor - Rebecca Brown)
 2002 Pocket Books/Simon & Schuster
  ISBN: 074341702X


Understanding the Hidden Nature of Our Daughters. Insights into what is "normal" for girls in a nature-based paradigm as they grow from infant to woman with developmental needs for each stage discussing the legacy of Biology & Feminism.

I wasn't exactly thrilled to be reading a book called the The Wonder of Girls -- especially as it's written by a chap -- novelist, poet, psychologist, neurobiological researcher, husband & father of two girls notwithstanding! Part of me was dreading it would be either incomprehensibly technical or a sappy, feel-good read. I should have known better after all, I had already read Michael Gurian's A Fine Young Man & had found this author to be personable, charmingly thoughtful & invaluably informative.

Because of the gender in which I am walking this life sometimes what Michael Gurian has to say, made me squirm -- too much like being under a microscope! Men are such analytical creatures. I'm not saying women can't analyze too, however men are wired for it & spend their lives doing it! They analyze incoming strangers to see if they're enemies; the lay of the land to see how the hunt will succeed; how something is broken so they can repair it &, of course, how people behave.

In the movie My Fair Lady the pompous professor whines: “Why can't a woman be more like a man?” As if being male was the whole point of humanity & those of us who walk in the female gender are aberrants. That idea has been around for so long that most of us have unconsciously assumed it to be "true" (the Taliban is a prime example.)

Through scientific research, memories, poems, letters, family moments & professional cases Michael Gurian sets out to inform us Why Girls Are the Way They Are. In his simple, direct & pleasant way he starts at the beginning (a very good place to start!) in search of A New Logic of Girls' Lives.

As an erstwhile rabid Feminist who did indeed burn her bra back when I was in my 20s during the 1960s, I have long since outgrown its angst. In Looking Beyond Feminism: Old Myths and New Theories, Michael Gurian catches up to me & explains how Feminism might now be just what's keeping us back. Biology, Feminist ideals notwithstanding, still rules supreme & if we don't know how we work, then we don't know what we're doing. “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle” may have been a hilarious way of jolting ourselves out of complacency in order to become more self-reliant however, a woman without self-knowledge is a fish out of water!

Everyone who comes to Michael or his wife & partner Gail for help, enlightens them as much as their therapy enlightens their patients. Erin, one such patient, shows us how medication alone is not the answer to a troubled teenhood. Erin suffered from “the self-knowledge gap” & needed to learn more about herself. “Gail taught Erin a great deal about how her own mind worked, her brain, her hormones, her female culture, giving her books to reads, sites to check about girls' development... Erin's nature -- who she was -- resided to a great extent in her genes and family past.”

& so we explore How Her Mind Works in the Secrets of the Female Brain -- written like the neurobiologist he is, Michael Gurian tells us just how Girls and Boys Are Different. For good measure he then gives us A Quick Look At Your Daughter's Brain & The Stages of a Girl's Brain Development as The Child, The Girl, The Adolescent Girl & The Young Woman. Informative reading &, dare I say it -- mind expanding!

One vital passage: Girls' Stress Responses needs to be read by everyone: “When a child is under inordinate stress for a prolonged period...her brain development will definitely be affected. She will be “rewired” neurologically...The stress hormone, cortisol,(as well as adrenal and other “lower” brain functions) have dominated brain growth...and this affects normal brain growth patterns.” Why then, are we surprised at the depression in all our early adolescent girls? About what do girls have to be stressed? Ah, there's the rub!

As youngsters we all search for these things:
• Who are we? -- autonomy
• Where did we came from? -- identity
• What are we to do? -- morality
• Where are we going? -- intimacy

While we all know of the hero's journey to Self, Michael Gurian explains The Goal of the Journey for girls. While boys are wired for autonomy & morality, girls are wired for identity & intimacy. Ergo The Intimacy Imperative & The Future of Femininity.

In The Hidden World: The Biochemistry of Girls' Lives we learn a lot more about the Biology of being female. From Mind to Hormones to The Biology of Femininity; The Three-Family System & The New Challenge. There is a questionnaire: Have You Wondered Why... which will make you pause. In just one chapter, this author shreds the old saw about the fickleness of females.

In Part II: What Girls Need, we explore The Artful Mother: What Girls Need from Mom. “There are natural stages to a woman's life, and every daughter wants to know what they are...The womanist philosophy, concerned heavily with the natural stages of a woman's life, is useful...because it is a path to freedom, not social constriction...It is a middle ground between the old view: a woman must stay home -- and the feminist view: a woman must conquer the workplace.” In this section we think about Providing Childcare; Discipline; Spanking; Teaching Manners; The Importance of Chores; The Beginnings of Spiritual Life; Media Use; Holding Clear Authority; Dealing With Whining; Teaching Your Girls to Enjoy Their Noble Failures; Handling An Angry Girl; Your Daughter's Sadness; Her Pulls to Autonomy; The Issue of Privacy; The Battle Over Clothing; Rites of Passage. There is even a section on How to be an Artful Stepmother & so much more!

To The Gifts of The Father: What Girls Need from Dad. A Father's Love “can make or break a girl.” Father-Attachment; Our Fatherless Daughters; The Gift of Presence; of Independence; of Adventure and Laughter; of Affection; of Discipline and Self-Restraint; Helping a Daughter Manage Peer Relationships. In Fathers, Daughters, and Divorce we think about the gifts separated fathers can give. Given how many marriages end up in divorce courts -- this is a vital segment!

In The Stages of “Dad” we watch a hero become a dolt become a mentor! Heady stuff! I read this one with a feeling of awe! Given the parents of my childhood -- I now see so much more of why I am the way I am, even without adding being adopted into the equation.

Then it's on to Innocence and Experience: Protecting the Emotional Development of Our Girls -- all about Self-Esteem; Myths; The Malleable Self; The Anne Frank Principle (this was an eye-opener!); Girls Need A Pack to Female Hierarchies to The New Nastiness Among Girls. Then we explore Girls and Weight -- what a bummer that is! No girl alive gets through puberty without that stress! On to Harsh Experiences where we are reminded of the uses for Family Therapy for Eating Disorders; Self-Cutting; Drug and Alcohol Abuse; Smoking; Mental Illness; Sexual, Physical and Emotional Abuse and Violence; Academic and Athletic Failure; Dealing With Divorce & how to develop Emotional Touchstones.

At last we come to The Heroine's Journey, which is all about Building Character in our Daughters until finally, we get to Womanism: Giving Girls a Sacred Role in Life. Suffice to say -- most of it you already know, some of it you won't like & all of it is interesting!

Apart from his reader-friendly writing style, perhaps what I like the most about Michael Gurian's work is his references to myths, those traditional stories of unknown authorship, ostensibly with a historical basis, serving to explain some phenomenon of nature, the origin of man, or the customs, institutions, religious rites, etc. of a people, usually involving the exploits of gods & heroes. As someone who has taken Joseph Campbell's The Power of Myth to heart & who considers herself an undaunted Cinderella, I feel well-treated by this author because he's given immeasurable value to our misses & myths.

Knowing how we're wired is half the battle; the other half is sifting through what people think we ought to be & do with our lives. Biology is older than Religion & Feminism by a few millions years & until we truly get that, we're setting our girls up for a lifelong battle with their inner natural inclinations. Politically correct folks want girls to surmount biology, as if it's a recent discomfort imposed by thoughtless fools -- it isn't -- it's the biggest thing around!

There is so much to think about in The Wonder of Girls yet it is not heavily written. One of the rare books that makes me regret the limitations of a review because it deserves a monograph! I've come away knowing more about why I am than ever before, a profound read indeed & I heartily recommend it!

More from Michael Gurian: A Fine Young Man; The Wonder of Boys; The Good Son; What Stories Does My Son Need? with Terry Trueman; Boys and Girls Learn Differently! with Patricia Henley & Terry Trueman; Love's Journey; Mothers, Sons and Lovers; The Prince and The King; Understanding Guys; From Boys to Men; An American Mystic; The Odyssey of Telemachus; Emptying.

Do catch my Interview with Michael Gurian.
(02/10/02)

Rebecca