Losing My Mind
Thomas DeBaggio
(Sr. Associate Reviewer - Dr. Alma Bond)
2003 Touchstone Books
ISBN: 0743205669
An Intimate Look at Life with Alzheimer's.
Losing My Mind is Thomas DeBaggio's extraordinary account of his early onset Alzheimer's, a disease that “silently hollows the brain” & slowly “gobbles memory & destroys life.” But with DeBaggio's curse came an unexpected blessing: the ability to chart the mechanics & musings of his failing mind. DeBaggio manages to inspire the reader with his ability to function, to think, & ultimately, to survive.
Sr. Associate Reviewer Dr. Alma Bond writes:
One would expect that reading Losing My Mind would be a depressing experience. It isn't. The book is warm, sad, poignant, pathetic, amusing, thoughtful, brave, & even heroic, but depressing it is not. It is more like a story of pregnancy & childhood in reverse, where the author slowly takes us down the slippery slope into non-existence. There is even something exciting about the book, as it diagrams the way into hitherto uncharted paths.
During a routine medical check-up, fifty-seven year old DeBaggio happened to mention that he had occasional bouts of forgetfulness. Life was never to be the same again, as his casual comment led to the catastrophic diagnosis of early onset Alzheimer's disease. As a former journalist, DeBaggio had “a way with words,” & decided to keep a journal of his decline, to try to use his mind to fight the disease, & to bring comfort to other victims & their caretakers. The results are breathtaking, as he often found himself able to marshal his thoughts & memories on paper, in a way he was unable to do in speech. I believe that through his written words he was often able to hold on to a semblance of normality that is nothing short of miraculous. (Note to myself: “If you ever get Alzheimer's, remember to keep a journal.”)
The author goes back & forth between his early life as a shy, uncertain boy becoming an adult on his family's Midwest farm, & his present nightmare, in which even the most routine tasks become impossible to carry out. His writing brought into consciousness many memories that were unavailable in his so-called “normal” state. But this reviewer became a bit impatient with his recollections at times, as I compulsively sought to get on with the horrible yet touching story of his illness.
The book is an emotional read, where one cannot help feeling DeBaggio's terrors & agonies along with him, as he falters each step of the way. Yet he intertwines excerpts from health journals & his own medical records, so that the reader also becomes cognizant of developments in the field on an intellectual level. In a minor way, we who read the book become experts on the disease.
DeBaggio informs us that Alzheimer's affects four million American people, & that its prevalence doubles every five years beyond the age of 65. Studies indicate that half of all people over 85 have symptoms of AD. The author states (p. 12) that “Once a disease is named, especially if it is Alzheimer's, you begin to understand it & that means recognizing it in every day things. It is not long before you are under the spell of the disease.” By his truthfulness & frankness, DeBaggio brings the reader under the spell of the disease, along with him.
One must beware, however, of one result of being “under the spell of the disease.” DeBaggio's painful discoveries will remain with you, in all likelihood forever, as you search for the possible beginnings of Alzheimer's symptoms. At least so it was with me. Each new evidence of his disease had to be compared with experiences of my own. For example, he sees a nightly “light show” of brilliant colors, mostly yellow, which he touts as one advantage of having the disease. The other day, I saw something yellow out of the corner of my eye that disappeared when I looked closely. “It's happening!” I said to myself. “I have Alzheimer's!” So, too, each time I forget a word with what is (hopefully) the normal path of aging, I tell myself, “That's it! I knew it all the time!” Should I ever really get Alzheimer's, as a by-product of reading this book, I will feel as though I have been there before.
DeBaggio is a beautiful writer. But occasionally, he uses a word or phrase that seem to me “off the mark” with words that don't seem to quite fit the feelings expressed. For example, he writes (p. 6) that television & movies replaced storytelling for his generation, & “left us hungry & naked, shivering for substance.” Good movies do not leave me, for one, “shivering for substance.” Perhaps if I did not know he had Alzheimer's, I might have felt differently about it. The writer also tends to repeat somewhat, particularly in the second half of the book, as one would expect of a patient suffering from Alzheimer's. I couldn't help wondering, however, if the repetitions are a symptom of Alzheimer's or a clever writer's technique to bring out the reality of his disease. After all, he must have had an editor!
DeBaggio is a courageous man. He says: “I am going to live as long as I can; that has always been my goal. I am also a realist & I have begun to adjust my life so each day has a structure to it, & a purpose; to enjoy every minute I can & to focus on the work I love with herb plants, & with words. I want to write the truest sentences I can in the hope my words give others the sense of struggle & joy I feel.” (p. 29) Not a bad philosophy even for those of us fortunate enough not to have Alzheimer's.
Losing My Mind is a fine, original book, which is highly recommended to the aging population of America, & to the weary caretakers who have lost the ability to get inside the head of the Alzheimer's patient. This book will help the reader understand the loneliness, the terror, & the wonder, yes the wonder, of the human being's ability to survive.
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