Rebecca Brown's Interview with
Rabbi Robert J. Marx
Author of
Facing the Ultimate Loss

Rebecca:
It was with great pleasure that I re-connected with Rabbi Marx with whom I had worked back in the '60s. I found it curious that we both had written books about a death in the family. While we must expect that our parents will eventually die before us, when our children do, the devastating grief can be paralyzing.

So, come with me & meet this father who has been there & survived...

In your Introduction, Rabbi, you touch on the reasons for writing about life's greatest tragedy, the desolation of the death of a child. How did you & Susan Wengerhoff Davidson come together to write your book, & why is yours so different?

Rabbi Marx:
Good to hear from you again, Rebecca. First one, then several, then more than I could handle -- parents of all religions & backgrounds -- started coming to visit me & to talk about the death of their child. I decided to organize a group of parents so we could share our insights with one another. & for twenty-five years, I tried to help parents deal with their grief.

One day, a young grief therapist came to my study to discuss her own counseling work with parents. After a half hour I found myself saying to Susan Wengerhoff Davidson: “Let's write a book together.” It was as simple as that.

Rebecca:
Why is guilt such a large part of grief?

Rabbi Marx:
Parents who have lost a child, often feel that they did not do enough. This is a general -- though by no means universal -- reaction to the death of a child. After all, parents generally feel that their child will grow to maturity & will live a long & healthy life. When this does not happen, guilt becomes a familiar companion. What did I do wrong? Why didn't I send him to a doctor sooner? Did I warn her enough about that railroad crossing?

Rebecca:
What shall we do with the anger?

Rabbi Marx:
We have been careful not to conceive of ours as a self help book. Such books often offer solutions that are much too simplified. In this respect, anger can be seen as merely one of many possible reactions to the death of a child. Anger may be useful if it leads to the prevention of other drunken drivers from exacting their deadly toll or if it addresses misuses of drugs or, perhaps, college recklessness. But anger may also become disfunctional when it darkens parents' outlook on life or when it prevents parents from attending to the needs of their other children or from doing their work or serving their communities.

Rebecca:
Would you explain why our ceremonies & our faith are so vital?

Rabbi Marx:
This is an important question because the loss of a child can easily precipitate the loss of faith. This can be tragic. At the very time in their lives when parents most need something to hold on to, the beliefs that have always sustained them may be shattered. Many parents find that prayer & religious ceremonies can help them return to a sense of equanity. But for some parents the path back to trust & faith can be a long & tortuous one.

Rebecca:
Needs be, we must step back into the Valley of Death to share our stories & our pain, why would we want to do that, & in what ways can grief counseling help?

Rabbi Marx:
You're right. Not every one wants to re-live the pain. & the whole theme of our book is that each individual acts in a unique way in the presence of this terrible loss. Some need to re-live what happened -- & keep re-living it over a long period. Others find the whole subject too painful -- need to suppress it -- even for many years. Our own judgment is that it is helpful to express our feelings of sadness. It is helpful to find a sympathetic ear. Parents do not need to reminisce endlessly, but neither should they be told: “You have grieved enough. It is time to get on with your life.”

Rebecca:
What is the one thing parents most grieve about?

Rabbi Marx:
That they were never able to say “goodbye.”

Rebecca:
Even though my parents kept a photograph of their first born who had died of pneumonia back in the 1930s, they refused to speak about him. What effect does our grief have on our other children, & how might we speak together of our lost one?

Rabbi Marx:
This is not an easy question to answer. Often a surviving child comes to feel less than totally loved in view of the intense feelings of grief that invade his or her home. Children, I feel, should be comfortable talking about a brother or sister who has died. The subject should not be a taboo. At the same time, turning the lost child into an idol can lead to the building of uncomfortable barriers. If the loss is allowed to darken every family discussion, then the result is a joyless family indeed.

Rebecca:
No matter how we insulate ourselves from the “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,” pain, death & loss will come to us. However, with the loss of a child, you write that the task of parents who have survived, is to choose to become “bitter or better.” While professionals have, due to the exigencies of their work, set out the various stages to grief, as they have for childbirth, or funerals, how may we recognize those stages?

Rabbi Marx:
We resist positing “stages of mourning” setting up any test of “normality” for dealing with the loss of a child. As a matter of fact, we feel that the impositions of such artificial stages is a cruel & painful thing to do. What makes dealing with the death of a child different, is that in a very real sense many parents never want to “get over” the death of a child. We never want to forget our child. & that is what makes the healing process so slow, so different, & so difficult.

Rebecca:
How may we ordinary friends & family members comfort those in grief? Are there any things we shouldn't say?

Rabbi Marx:
Offer a warm hug & an attentive ear. Never say: “I know how you feel...” -- unless you have lost a child yourself. Or unless you want to become a former friend.

Rebecca:
In your Epilogue, you leave us with both an ironic & heartbreaking perspective of time & grief, as well as a glimmer of what the rest of our life might be. What can grief teach us?

Rabbi Marx:
That life is beautiful; that it is to be cherished; that people suffer. Grief teaches us that no matter how unbearable our pain seems, we can learn to bear it, & in the learning, we can also bend down & lend a helping hand to so many others who suffer too.

Rebecca:
Thank you, Rabbi, for both writing a healing book & for giving us some ease as we traverse the landscape of grief.

Do catch my review of Robert J. Marx's very worthwhile book; Facing the Ultimate Loss: Coping with the Death of a Child.
I hope it makes you go out & buy yourself a copy!

Rebecca Brown
Published 04/18/04