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Rebecca :
Steve, I really enjoyed your 50 Ways to Create Great Relationships; you've kept it brief, insightful & humorous. It has given me a lot of ideas as to how to put the fun back in my relationships - Life is such a serious thing, that having fun is almost, well, irreverent! What's the difference between being in charge, in control of our relationships & owning them?
Steve :
It's not fun to try to be in control of another person. It is fun to be in charge of myself. I can't really own the relationship, but I can own my own spirit, & what I choose to give to the relationships. In relationships you get what you give.
Rebecca :
“You know I love you, why do I have to show it?” This may seem obvious yet how does showing our appreciation in our relationships re-energize them? I'm not talking about bouquets & banquets here!
Steve :
If someone says: “You know I love you, why do I have to show it?” they are not grown up enough yet to have a real relationship. Love doesn't exist except in the showing of it.
Rebecca :
In Chapter #4 you show us the two kinds of people in relationships: the creator & the reactor. What do you mean?
Steve :
People can be two ways in a relationship.(of any kind, business or personal) One way is to be a reactor, always reacting to the other person's moods & behavior; & the other is to be a creator, always creating a willingness to make a contribution to the other person's life. I have friends & acquaintances who spend all their time reacting to other people's behavior. They waste their lives doing that. Relationships need to be created.
Rebecca :
How does making lists about how to solve an impasse in a relationship work? Should you show your list to the other person?
Steve :
There are no “shoulds” or techniques that “work” in relationships, which is why most of the “how to” books are so disappointing. There is only creativity & contribution. Would it be creative to show your list? Would it be a contribution to show the list? You, the artist, must decide. That's the fun of relationships, it's like the fingerpainting we did as kids. You get to choose what would be beautiful.
Rebecca :
How do we get “lucky?”
Steve :
We get “lucky” when we help somebody else. Because when we give to others, we get the gift back in unexpected ways. It is a (little known) law of the universe (first pointed out by Gurdjieff) that you cannot help a person without you yourself being helped. You might not get helped by that same person, & it might take 10 years, but it will come back to you. When it does, it will seem like luck, because you won't remember the thing you did that made it happen. Believe me, you did help someone, or it wouldn't have happened to you.
Rebecca :
Ah, Gurdjieff - I was thrilled when I first came upon his insights! In Chapter #11: Rise Above Yourself, you write about those “misery-loves-company” Country Music songs. Being a city girl, it was the Blues for me; everyone moaning & groaning about who did done me wrong! Why do we think people can take our love away & what can we do to lift us up when we're wallowing?
Steve :
The wallowing & the blues feel good in a sick kind of way for awhile. They are a necessary part of growing up. But after we evolve & grow & become more creative we see that the true power of love does not reside in another person's opinion of us. That's not your heart, that's your ego that has been wounded. Your heart is fine. Your heart will live to love another day, & even love better.
Rebecca :
How can we grow our relationships into something fun & wonderful? Doesn't it just happen naturally? What's the one thing we need to bring with us when we're building relationships?
Steve :
Nothing creative between two human beings just happens naturally. It takes a lot of caring & helping each other. It takes a lot of imagination & courage & creativity. A relationship grows the same way a beautiful home becomes cozier & more beautiful as the years go by because of the way we are fixing it up & adding to it.
Rebecca :
When we're children we're all good artists yet once we're grown-ups, we're not! What happens to us?
Steve :
We have talked ourselves into being victims. We have decided that we are no longer powerful & extraordinary & so we have quit. However, with most people, quitting is too painful to live with; so they find a way to wake up & live again, & create again, & write again, & love again, & paint & sing & dance again & life improves quite beautifully. Life almost always begins again.
Rebecca :
What do you encourage us to do when someone bald-facedly(isn't that a strange phrase?) disagrees with us? When someone gets something wrong, say they've forgotten to fax my Rx to the pharmacy & I really need the medication now, instead of blowing my stack what do you suggest?
Steve :
I suggest you use that occasion to appreciate how much pain that person is living in. Incompetent people are living in a lot of pain. Nasty & irresponsible people are not at all happy with themselves, & they don't know how to fix it. Help them. The more you practice helping them, the more your emotions will be under your control instead of under the control of people who are hurting. Why let your emotions be upset by their own internal dysfunction. You are not the target. You are never the target.
Rebecca :
What on earth is an “Intention Deficit Disorder” & how do I know I've got it & how can I cure it?
Steve :
It is a lack of direction. It is a lack of purpose. The best thing you can do to cure yourself is to constantly ask yourself: “What is my intention?” Before you go meet with someone, ask yourself what you intend. What would you really like to have the relationship be like?
Rebecca :
You suggest that giving comes from someplace other than the heart, where & why?
Steve :
Giving comes from a combination of the mind & spirit. That's why we call our favorite gifts, “thoughtful.” We always say, when we are most touched, “that was so thoughtful of you.” We never say, “that was so emotional of you!”
Rebecca :
Is there something else you'd like to say & how can a person find out where & when you'll be holding your motivational workshops?
Steve :
I would like to say that your website is cool!
And that people can come to my workshops by calling TopTHINK.
Call (910)485-6944 to register as soon as you read this to see if there are seats left.
Check out the dates available at the Authors Sightings link.
Or contact me at: 100Ways@Compuserve.com.
Stephen Chandler, Inc.
Corporate Sales Training/ Keynote Speaking
1124 N Gibson
Gilbert, AZ 85234
(480)892-6290
Rebecca :
& there you have it! Do check out my review of Steve Chandler's 50 Ways to Create Great Relationships: How to Stop Taking & Start Giving. I think you'll learn some things!
(Published March 18, 2001)
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